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Dear fellow Singaporeans, residents, and humans with functioning brains,
I, Adrian Tan, hereby announce my candidacy for the upcoming GE2025 as an independent representative of the newly formed SLO-MO Party.
Like all hastily constructed political entities appearing right before elections, we have a logo (a half-eaten prata), a catchy slogan (“Slower Progress, Better Stories”), and absolutely zero political experience.
In the grand tradition of Singapore’s electoral hopefuls who emerge from the woodwork every five years, I too have decided that my complete lack of political background qualifies me perfectly to guide our nation’s future.
You may know me as that person who once wrote a strongly worded complaint letter to the Town Council about fallen leaves.
Yes, that’s the extent of my civic engagement, but I have very strong opinions on everything else.
Why SLO-MO?
Because while other parties promise progress, we promise to document the decline in exquisite slow-motion detail.
We are neither left wing nor right wing.
We are, in fact, the vestigial appendix of Singapore politics – seemingly useless until we suddenly burst onto the scene with inflammatory ideas.
MY CREDENTIALS
Like many candidates, I must first establish my credentials through a CV so carefully curated it makes Instagram influencers seem authentic:
- Educated at a school (several, in fact)
- Once shook hands with a person who met a Minister at a void deck function
- Can recite the pledge without looking at my phone
- Successfully operated an ERP cashcard without sufficient funds
- Survived 15 consecutive Hungry Ghost Festivals without incident
- Expert at avoiding eye contact on the MRT
- Professional queue-stander (National Day Parade tickets, Hello Kitty toys, BBT during 1-for-1 promotions)
- Can differentiate between “shiok” and “very shiok” with scientific precision
CONSTITUENCY TARGETING
I will be contesting in whichever GRC or SMC is still available by nomination day.
My strategy is simple: I will appear in hawker centers I’ve never patronized before, awkwardly shake hands with bewildered residents, and post photos captioned “So nice to return to the ground after 1,826 days.”
MANIFESTO & POLICY POSITIONS (OR: WHY YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR ME LAH)
1. HOUSING POLICY: THE “DIE-DIE MUST OWN” INITIATIVE
Aiyoh, everybody know Singapore housing prices damn ridiculous, right?
My solution? Simple one!
The BTO waiting time now so long that couples break up before they get their keys.
So my party will implement the revolutionary “Pre-Birth Application” system.
Expecting parents can ballot for their unborn child’s future flat, which will be ready just in time for their child’s wedding.
Must plan ahead mah!
For existing homeowners, we propose the “HDB Roving Ownership” scheme.
Instead of owning one flat for 99 years, Singaporeans will own different flats around the island for two weeks each, rotating throughout their lifetime.
This solves the asset depreciation problem AND forces you to declutter.
Marie Kondo also support!
2. COST OF LIVING: THE “REVERSE GST” PROTOCOL
The government says GST must go up to 9%.
Other opposition say keep at 7%.
My party says: why not MINUS 5%?
That’s right!
When you spend, government PAYS YOU.
Economic theory say this one confirm will crash the economy, but at least for a few glorious months, everyone can enjoy free chicken rice before we need IMF bailout.
For implementation, we’ll introduce the “Circuit Breaker for Prices” – when any item exceeds a certain cost threshold, all shopkeepers must run around their shops pulling prices down while a siren blares “WAH LAU EH! TOO EXPENSIVE!”
This system worked perfectly in my dreams.
3. TRANSPORTATION: THE “KIASU COMMUTER” FRAMEWORK
MRT breakdown? Construction delay? COE prices higher than your parent’s combined retirement funds?
Don’t worry! The SLO-MO party introduces the “National Kiasu Index” to measure our transportation efficiency.
We propose replacing ERP with KPS (Kiasu Positioning System) where drivers are charged based on how aggressively they cut lanes.
The more kiasu your driving, the more you pay.
Changing lanes without signaling? $10.
Honking at someone who waited 0.5 seconds after light turns green? $20.
Creating your own lane where there isn’t one? We’ll name an actual road after you, but it’ll be the one with all the construction.
I also propose all MRT stations must provide “standing chopes” – little plastic reservation markers you can place on the platform to reserve your spot for when the train arrives.
Confirm plus chop this one will reduce fighting.
4. TECHNOLOGY & AI: THE “SMART NATION 5.0 PLUS ULTRA EDITION”
While other candidates talk about Bitcoin, I’ll be funding our nation’s future with NFTs of famous local landmarks. Want to own a digital version of the Merlion? That’ll be $50,000, but don’t worry – you can pay in monthly installments through your CPF.
For AI governance, I propose all chatbots must be programmed with mandatory Singlish capabilities and an uncle/auntie personality module.
When you ask a government AI difficult questions, it should be able to convincingly say “Wah, this one very complicated leh” before changing the subject to whether you’ve had lunch.
My signature technology initiative: replacing SafeEntry with “Face Recognition Plus” – a system that not only checks if you’ve entered a mall, but also judges your outfit and suggests improvements. “Eh boy, why you wear shorts to Orchard Road? So sloppy!”
5. EDUCATION POLICY: THE “KIASI CURRICULUM”
Singapore education system number one in the world for producing students who can ace exams but cannot change lightbulb.
My education reform will introduce the “Real Life Skills” subject, including:
- How to convincingly tell your relatives at CNY that your grades actually quite good
- Advanced tactics for choping seats at hawker centres using half a piece of used tissue paper
- The art of passive-aggressive HDB neighbour management
- How to properly complain about everything while doing nothing about it
- Master class in avoiding NDP/community centre performance recruiters
Textbooks will be replaced with WhatsApp forwards, teaching our children to be appropriately sceptical of information they receive from Auntie Susan in the family chat group.
CONCLUSION: WHY VOTE FOR ME?
In the glorious tradition of Singapore democracy, I will probably lose my deposit.
But before that happens, I promise to entertain you with campaign videos featuring awkward TikTok dances and policy positions that change faster than the Malaysia-Singapore VTL requirements.
As the esteemed founding father once supposedly said, “This is not a game of cards! This is your life and mine!”
To which I respond: actually, it’s a bit like Cards Against Humanity – inappropriate, occasionally offensive, but we all end up laughing while feeling slightly guilty about it.
Vote for me if you want someone in Parliament who will ask the important questions like “Why cannot bring durian on MRT but can bring century egg?” and “How come government app always under maintenance when I need to use?”
Remember: Other candidates may promise you a Swiss standard of living. I promise you Swiss cheese policies – full of holes but still somehow works with wine.
Yours sincerely, Adrian Tan Chief Complaint Officer & Supreme Leader SLO-MO Party “Slower Progress, Better Stories”
P.S. This message has been vetted for POFMA compliance by my 3-year-old nephew who said it was “very funny” before returning to his iPad. I consider this expert legal advice.
P.P.S. If elected, I promise to prioritise the issues that matter most: fixing the McDonald’s ice cream machine and investigating why the serving size of Milo at kopitiam getting smaller while price getting bigger. The people demand answers!
Disclaimer: This is satire lah, don’t POFMA me please. If summoned by the Elections Department, I will claim temporary insanity caused by excessive exposure to property advertisements and ministerial salary discussions.