Growing up in the late 1900s, there were plenty of problems in the U.S., but at least we got one thing right — minivans. A few people I knew had SUVs, but most of my friends’ parents had minivans. They were ridiculously practical family haulers, and they still are today, even if they aren’t nearly as popular. As if anything with room for four kids and all their stuff is ever going to make you look cool. I mean, you’re really going to tell me with a straight face that you feel cool stuffing your family into a Volkswagen Atlas? Really?
Still, I think I have a way for Toyota to sell more Siennas or at least make the Dallas Target Moms sweat a little before deciding to stick with their Ford Explorers. Yes, I’m talking about partnering with Chip and Joanna Gaines to create the Sienna Magnolia Edition. If you follow interior design trends closely, you’re probably saying, “Yeah, Collin. Maybe five years ago. Magnolia is out!” And you’d largely be correct that a lot of people have (thankfully) moved on from shiplap, faux-distressed everything and terrible signs that tell you where you are or what to do.
On the other hand, do you know how many interior barn doors I saw when I was in Texas last week? Even the hotel had giant barn doors. Do you know what else has sliding doors and used to come with wood panels on the sides? Minivans. With a little rebranding magic, you can just turn those sliding doors into “barn doors,” and suddenly they’ll be cool again. It’s such an obvious move, I’m surprised Toyota didn’t think of it years ago.
And they say journalists make terrible product planners. Ridiculous.
Lord, bless this mess
Based on a lot of the houses I saw around Dallas, the Toyota Sienna Magnolia Edition would probably have to be black and white, which, I mean, yuck. But we aren’t trying to make me happy with this minivan. We’re trying to sell minivans to the families who desperately need them but instead insist on buying ever-so-slightly lifted, less practical minivan alternatives simply because their parents recognized how practical they were back in the ’80s and ’90s. Maybe there could be multiple paint options.
Besides, I don’t even know if Art Deco would work with the Sienna’s cabin design in the first place. I do know the Magnolia name still carries some real weight, though. I mean, Discovery recently gave them their own network. Add a numbered plaque with Joanna Gaines’ signature on it, and Toyota could basically print money.
Obviously, all the wood trim would have to come pre-distressed, but that isn’t just for aesthetics. It would also help hide all the messes the kids make. I also demand no fewer than seven fonts on the car, all used to tell you what to do. Maybe put “Open” in one font on the tailgate and “Gas” in a different one on the fuel door. Of course, you can’t miss the opportunity to use a third to add “Shift” to the shift lever. How else will someone know what they’re supposed to do with it if you don’t literally spell it out right in front of them?
There will, of course, be details that need to be worked out, but I’m telling you, the Toyota Sienna Magnolia Edition would sell, even if it cost something absurd, like $65,000.
*checks current Sienna pricing*
Wait, you mean to tell me you can spend $60,000 on a minivan? Today? Before dealer markup and tariff-related price increases? What the gosh darn heck!