I’ve developed a survey to give to people who slipped me into their not-friend category. Since I’m a person with no ability to cope with nuance, answers to all questions are yes/no.
1. Were you ever my real friend? I want to know if you needed me like I needed you, but I don’t want to ask in person because it’s pathetic to have an uneven relationship. So please write yes or no so I can tell if the whole thing was doomed from the start.
2. Are you the one who disappeared? Just checking because maybe you think I’m the one who disappeared. I do really dislike having to talk to people regularly in order to maintain a friendship, so maybe I missed a few too many volleys.
3. Am I overreacting? Perhaps you moved me from your invite-once-a-year list to your Christmas-card-only list which is not really a huge demotion. But maybe I didn’t noticed that I had already been demoted once before.
4. Have you move from a paying to non-paying friend? I ask because it’s so much easier for me to be friends if you are paying me; I try harder to be reasonable.
5. Does it bother you that I play one song 200 times? Please be specific about this problem: is it the song or the number of times? Just FYI, I know I have said that I won’t budge on eating the same food every day. But I’m flexible on which song I play on repeat.
6. Did I embarrass you with my clothing? Not guaranteeing I would have changed if you asked me, but I did stop wearing the bunny ears outside my apartment. I guess what I meant to say is that changing clothes every day feels like overkill.
7. Have I exceeded the socially acceptable number of times to cancel plans? I’m thinking I’m okay on this one. In my mind I only change plans in an emergency, like moving your birthday lunch to a day when I can stay in bed and stress about it all morning.
8. Are you sick of hearing about my to do list? Believe me, I’m sick of it, too. I had an idea to put really easy things on it to see if that would motivate me. But I could barely motivate myself to rewrite the list.
9. Did my instability get to you? So many people think I’m similar to them, and then they get to know me and they realize that actually, reading my sporadic blog posts is the exact right amount of time to be interacting with me.
10. Do you think I’m an incompetent dog owner? People have told me they can’t walk my dog with me because I’m oblivious to dog decorum. The truth is I am probably not the best dog owner. But everyone who has ever said I’m terrible with my dog has, in my eyes, been terrible with their kids. So be careful when you answer this question.
11. I’m sorry I can’t stop telling you everything I notice about your life choices. It’s my Tourette’s. Or something. Were you unable to appreciate my gift for seeing the worst in everyone?
12. Did I interrupt your stories to tell you that I relate to you by telling a story about me? Don’t say yes or no to interrupting. I already know. Can you just tell me if you like my stories?